Updated: Sep 1, 2019
I am so light skinned that I felt really bad about leaving so many amazing players and people off of the awards list that I typed out 12 pages of analysis for each award. Instead of giving you a long, boring article, I have broken up the format in order to give the following players all the shine that they deserve, and to entertain you as you prepare for Game Day.
(Read my latest article, or my cousin Ray Ray will get in his unregistered Cutlass and pretend he's the black Liam Neeson) https://www.bowdown2washington.com/post/this-is-what-the-postseason-awards-should-look-like
Also, don't be sensitive to jokes. Nobody likes that. There should be no offense taken, especially from the players and coaches; I know how hard they work, how much they sacrifice, and because I grew up idolizing them. I love this program more than my inevitable ex-wife and my prevention hotline therapist.
Hometown Hero of the Year - Offense:
Hometown Hero of the Year - Defense:
CALI DEATH ROW DAWG of the Year:
KEITH TAYLOR (Obviously)
KAMARI PLEASANT / VIC CURNE
CHICO MCCLATCHER / PUKA NACUA / DOMINIQUE HAMPTON
You're really going to tell me I have to decide from the GOAT of UDUB names, Chico McClatcher, (say it with me) PU-KA NA-CU-A, and 'Dominique'?
Best Dance Moves at the Party:
Most Likely to Be a Professional Dancer (Different than Best Dance Moves):
TY JONES / KYLER GORDON
Pete has been valuing versatility so much he is starting a Seattle Storm Halftime Dancer and a Ballroom Dancer from the Mormon Hills of Utah. Pete really is an evaluating God.
Most Likely to Only Speak in Grunts or Growls:
Most Likely to brag to girls about being 'Miguel's Music Video Stunt Double:
Most Likely to go Bald at a Young Age:
I'm sorry Trey, I cheated, but you're going to have so much money in the bank you can buy plenty of hats. This is kind of a dig at Keanon, the GOAT!
Most Likely to get too touchy-feely with their homies at a party:
Most Likely to Become a CIA Agent:
Most Likely to be Jason Mamoa's Evil Younger Brother antagonist in the sequel to Aquaman:
Most Likely to be Jason Mamoa's secret older brother, who ends up uniting the siblings to team up to fight a much bigger battle in the Trilogy of Aquaman:
Best Facial Hair:
Worst Facial Hair:
Most likely to be salesman-politician who gets in way too deep and over his head:
Most likely to go door to door selling people on a new wireless internet plan just to leave them with a CD of their Christian Rock Band:
KYLER MANU / DRACO BYNUM
Most Likely to try to convince people that he should play Snoop Dogg in a future upcoming biopic:
Most likely to grow old with gray dreads, just to jam on the drums and sometimes the trombone at a lively southern breakfast/brunch restaurant named 'Lucille's':
Most likely to be 'Biff the Bully' in a Disney channel cartoon rendition of 'Back to the Future'
Most likely to remind the teacher that they didn't assign homework two minutes before class gets out:
Most likely to have just gotten caught and embarrassed while being one of the biggest humans on earth:
Most likely to open a BBQ Restaurant and wear an apron that says "Smoke MEATS Everyday" while taking calls on a blue tooth earpiece:
Most likely to try to sell you him and his cousin's mixtapes:
Most likely to try to sell you something at a mall kiosk, but who is so sweet that you can't say no to at least tipping him:
Most likely to dress up as Santa while forcing his daughters to dress as elves for every year's Christmas Christmas Card:
Most likely to be a probation officer under investigation for letting his assigned subjects slide:
Most likely to be a court appointed lawyer who you don't trust whatsoever and have no idea what kind of side deals he's making while taking breaks to go outside and use the phone all day:
Most likely to be play an early 2000's sitcom dad who's trying to make life more exciting for one last summer before his twin daughters leave for college, just to make a crazy mockery out of a vacation that somehow ends up working out perfectly with a beautiful, heartwarming lesson.
Most likely to be a regular customer at Levi's BBQ restaurant, who gets kicked out for falling asleep at closing time:
Most likely to be a locally famous mattress salesman who makes charismatic commercials that are on every channel that end each time with "Come on down, I promise you won't regret it!"
Most likely to be on a local news story, enraged because he's had enough with the neighborhood kids wreaking havoc on his once peaceful neighborhood who's only past problem was occasional raccoon breeding:
Most likely to be a famous local known for being the best exotic fisherman who finds it spiritually connecting to help tourists catch a trophy fish, just for the tourists to make up elaborate stories about how they reeled in the fish all by themselves:
Most likely to be a step dad that immediately has an awkward talk with his new step children about "You don't have to call me Dad..."